From Disconnection to Integration: My Inner World Revelations

Divine, can you speak to me? I feel so alone.

I can't believe I had a kundalini awakening. That's how far off I was, that I needed such a thrustful awakening to reconnect me. But even then, have I been truly connected?

No, I haven't. I haven't been in my own energy for years.

When I got married, I gave up my connection with myself to buy into someone else's reality—a reality where I could no longer follow the ebb and flows of my natural spirit.

I couldn't listen and heed the whispers of the divine because at every corner, I was subject to someone else's rules of reality, and their reality was not dictated by spirit; it was dictated by the mind.

HOLY SHIT! I don't think I fully grasp the experience I've undergone.

I tell the story about it, but I am not truly connected to it.

Meaning, I haven't integrated it because I haven't felt through it, I haven't delved deep into the emotions and truly felt it.

Wow, it's like I've completely lost touch with my true self! I've always navigated life by feeling, and it's easy to forget my own beauty. The 'me' who feels life is so different from the one who tries to reason her way through it.

Wow, this is the shadow side. That's what is meant by the shadow—the part of you that is operating in the matrix because you are stuck in the energy of the mind.

Holy shit! I entered the Matrix when I got into my marriage.

That was my fucking experiment.

It was like I said, okay, I've carried this connection since my earliest memories as a little girl but we are about to try something different…

See, there hasn't been a single day when I felt truly disconnected from the DIVINE. Even in moments of solitude, of feeling like a stranger in this world, that link remained unbroken. It was my constant companion, a source of solace and belonging.

It was my superpower; it was the only way to navigate this experience, and I gave that up, that connection, to understand the arena of disconnection .I chose, for a time, to temporarily release my direct connection with the divine to have an experience of disconnection. It's a macro of the micro of the micro.

The divine already permeates this reality on a grand scale (the macro). However, because I arrived with a heightened awareness ('veil lifted'), I ventured even deeper into this holographic projection or cosmic 'game,' exploring the most nuanced levels of experience

On a human level, from the vantage point of the mind, the story will tell you I made all these decisions because of these needs, insecurities - shadows, trauma, blah blah blah, which are absolutely true on one level.

But on another level, if you are the creator and you awaken through your creator ability, which is to feel your way through life and to have purity of the heart, which means that your most important connection above all is your connection to the DIVINE, which is the connection with yourself!

We don't spend any real time with ourselves when we live from the energy of the mind.

Shit, the mind needs to be constantly doing something, thinking something; it can't sit with itself because it overthinks.

Yet, perhaps the mind isn't meant to be used in this way.

What I'm discovering is that the mind is like this finely-tuned processing system, skillfully converting raw energy into tangible thoughts, emotions, and perceptions that shape our external reality. It operates as this middleman, bridging the gap between the subtle nuances of energy and the intricate web of our consciousness.

Our external reality takes on different hues depending on whether our consciousness radiates from our lower, higher, or heart centers. Picture the mind as this dynamic filter, processing energetic information based on our focal point. Yet, here's the crux: the heart is where this processing ideally unfolds.

The mind, at its core, is this universal processor for our projected reality—a canvas where our consciousness paints the picture of our experience. But the heart, especially through the feeling sense, is where this process truly flourishes. When the heart chakra is open and engaged, energy flows harmoniously, and our perception is unburdened and clear. This is the prime state for translating information from the higher heart.

Now, when these energy centers shut down, that's when disconnection happens. You unplug from the higher heart, and instead, you plug into the root chakra. The root chakra, dense and contracted, houses all the energetic residue, the traumas, and stories. So, when you plug into this energy center, you're stepping into a distorted field, where harmonious frequencies are scarce. It's like seeing reality through a filter of past wounds, beliefs, and narratives.

This is where you slip into the role of the character in your game, forgetting that you're also the player behind the scenes. The observer within you takes a back seat, temporarily forgotten in the rush. You've momentarily lost sight of your higher self guiding you.

In this energy center, the (lower chakras) you think your way through life because after all you only remember that you are the character, you don't yet realize that you are the higher self ( the player guiding the character)

This is the most common experience of humans entering the world, where their consciousness is primarily rooted (projected) in the lower chakras, often referred to as the lower mind or the "little 'i'". The external reality in these realms is intentionally structured in a way that encourages the continuation of consciousness projecting from these centers.

In reflecting on this, I see that the mind, while crucial, is essentially the processing hub of our projected reality. It's where the mechanics operate, where the energy (information) from our chosen center is processed.

However, the heart is where you want this processing to occur. It's the space where perception is most authentic, unclouded by past experiences. It's where the mind truly thrives, translating the energy from the higher heart in its purest form.

And this why I intentionally chose to enter this experience through projecting my consciousness through the heart portal which gave me a greater awareness and connection early on, allowing me to remember and contrast moments of connection and disconnection.

But then I zoomed in really deep into this experience. It's like my consciousness went deep into an alternative reality, what we call 3D, which was so different from the reality through which my consciousness originally projected itself

3D just means the Root center, the lower chakra energetic template where we project our consciousness through, and then it gets filtered energetically through those centers, and the information gets sent to the mind projection (processing system), whose job is to translate the energy (information) from those centers.

Shit, this is everything I've been talking about, teaching, and sharing. It's like I've been feeding myself this information, leaving breadcrumbs to find my way back to my true self.

This is what they mean when they say your Higher Self is guiding you. It's like a constant stream of hints for this very moment, this present 'now' that's also the bridge to our future. But when you're down deep in the lower centers, in the realm of the lower mind and 3D reality, you might not readily remember your identity as the higher self or understand how to embody it in this physical form. The truth is, it's all unfolding at once in the present. It all comes down to which energy center you're projecting from.

In the experiment of connection to disconnection, I deliberately redirected my focus away from the higher heart center to venture into a different realm, to embark on an experiment that would lead me to experience the shift from connection to disconnection in a new light.

This is why I chose a partner who was primarily rooted in the lower centers. It's almost as if we both shared a similar energetic frequency (which we did). Now, as I reflect and integrate, this makes sense. Why my experience in Bali, where I was gifted the energy of shame, needed to happen. It was to ensure that I would vibrationally match up with my husband. This allowed me to journey into the experience of disconnection, which my higher self sought to explore.

Entering into this marriage marked a significant transformation as I aligned my consciousness with his, projecting through the lower centers. This decision, while pivotal, also meant temporarily closing off the heart portal, immersing myself in his reality.

Then comes my Kundalini Awakening… I was pretty much done with that whole exploration of disconnection through the lower centers, you know?

I was getting this strong call back home. It all clicks now, looking back.

There was this one night towards the end of my marriage, just lying in bed, and out of the blue, I get this download from my Higher Self.

Now, mind you, those moments were like rare gems, given the whole illusion of disconnection I was going through.

My Higher Self drops this bombshell: If you don't leave this marriage, you'll miss out on your life mission.' It was like a code that jolted me awake from the deep slumber in the lower realms.

I took it as a sign. While I hadn't entirely figured out my life mission, I'd always sensed I had one.

At the point I knew that staying in the marriage any longer could've mean missing out on this whole incarnation thing, and that wasn't what I'd signed up for. I came here to experience and create, not to sleep through it all.

That message marked the beginning of my journey back home, pushing me out of my marriage. Of course, my Higher Self made sure there were reinforcements in place. Little did I know, there was still a long way to go before I'd truly make it back to the heart portal.

So, I step out of my marriage, and within two months, here comes a kundalini awakening that catapults me out of the lower realms. It was the only way the divine in me could reach through after I'd delved so deep into the root energy centers. It knew that to wake me up from that slumber, which is where most of the collective has been, a kundalini awakening was the perfect key.

But before I could truly come back home, I had to experience the upper realms (chakras). My consciousness shot up during the kundalini awakening, and I made the choice to stay in the upper chakras, projecting myself through those centers.

And here I go, embarking on yet another experiment in reality.

The reality you get from those upper centers is truly fascinating.

Wait for it drum roll 🥁, please...

Introducing: The False Light Energy!

Wow, it's pretty amazing to sit here and allow everything to sink in.

You know, I've missed this. This is what they mean by spending time alone, by truly being with yourself. It's about tuning into my heart center, which opens up access to the broader essence of who I am. It's about feeling myself and receiving from that larger part of me, the great "I AM" the Higher Self.

But, let's not veer too far off track.

Let's delve back into the reality that emanates from the upper energy centers. This is fascinating because I've actually lived this on a visceral level!

When you project your consciousness through these upper energy centers, the reality you encounter is vastly different. In those realms, you might believe you're deeply connected, with access to a wealth of information—sophisticated, high-level information. You might be receiving downloads, having visions, and engaging in metaphysical experiences.

But here's the twist: you can't truly feel into any of this information because it's being filtered and processed solely through the higher centers, which is still a thinking process rather than a feeling one. It's just a more refined way of thinking than what happens in the root energy.

And if you can't feel into the information, that means you can't fully integrate it.

This is what people refer to when they say someone's energy feels incongruent. You can't sense the energy behind their words, and that's because they're not truly embodying that energy. They know it through mental processes, not through wisdom borne of feeling. After all, it's only through the heart portal that we can genuinely feel and embody.

The heart center is neutral; it's the point of equilibrium between both realms.

You know, it's interesting. I understand this on a mental level, and at the same time, I hold the memory of the feeling of it, which creates a truly mind-expanding experience.

Translation it's a mind fuck experience.

I digress…

Let's refocus on the experience of your consciousness operating through the higher centers, untethered from the heart center.

The heart energy, you see, serves as the anchor, the grounding force that keeps us rooted in both worlds.

So, from this central point, your energy flows effortlessly through your entire being. You gain entry into various realms, rich with information to tap into.

Yet, your consciousness stays rooted through the heart's portal projection in that center.

In this dimension, there's only the present moment, a 'here and now' that never leaves you feeling alone, for you are intricately connected to all that exists.

From the heats energy center, you don't have to pull on energy from your environment. It's self-generating; its actually what powers up the whole system. It ensures a smooth, rapid flow through the quantum field.

The rules governing the lower and upper realms don't apply here.

The heart acts as a gateway to the boundless quantum field of endless potential. When your focus is solely 'up' or 'down', you engage with entirely different principles within those fields.

So now, let me feel into what it was like projecting myself from the upper realms with no anchor.

Mmm. This realm is tricky because here you truly believe that you are connected. But the reality is more nuanced that sense of connection may not be complete or entirely accurate.

You are actually only experiencing yourself as connected because it's an extreme contrast to the lower realms, which represent complete disconnection, while the upper realms signify unanchored connection.

In this state, you will believe you're connected because after all you're receiving insights, downloads, synchronicities, and even mystical experiences. Yet, there's a subtle difference - you're not fully embodying them.

You only believe you are because you now possess a broader understanding compared to the lower realms. You have a higher vantage point of information at your disposal. However, at this stage, it remains just that - information.

This is what's often referred to as the spiritual ego.

You think you know, but you can't actually feel into your knowing.

This means you can't embody the energy because the higher heart, which is the command center, is down.

You aren't sitting in the command center, so it's not operating since there's no consciousness being projected through it.

Therefore, you don't have access to embody the totality of that energy because your energy system isn't flowing properly.

This is the difference between spiritual intellectual understanding versus true embodiment ( inner standing)

Damn, this one is an interesting reality because in this one, you experience the shadow of the light. Whoa! - Mind-blown.

Waking up from this reality, holy shit, it's been a wild ride. I went from all the way down to all the way up - really fast, from one moment to the next.

I can now feel into it and have the inner standing that my kundalini awakening had to occur after five years of experiencing reality through the filters of fear and control. There's was no way, it would have taken me much longer to find my way back to center, had I not gone through this experience.

Lately, I've found myself complaining that I've wasted all these years, blah blah blah, feeling like I'm behind, like I've made so many mistakes.

Because I spent 5 years in one reality and 2 in another.

Yet I chose this. My soul is on a grand energetic experiment to translate these experiences, and in the grand scheme of things, that is NOT a long time.

I still have my whole life ahead of me to experience whatever I now choose. Once I come back to full center, back home, back to connection, all this will have been a blip, a moment in time.

From this vantage point, it all makes more sense. I can, in this moment, actually feel into the experiences and understand why a lot of it had to happen the way it did.

I chose some really complex themes to explore, the journey of connection to disconnection back again to connection midway through a human experience. It's literally a mind fuck twister, energetically speaking, that is.

It's such a convoluted energy, but oh so delicious now that I can feel into it.

From this vantage point, shame, regret, guilt play no role.

Fuck, I haven't been in my true, true essence expression in a really, really long time.

Shit, I've missed myself.

Fuck, the upper realms are exhausting in a different way than the lower realms.

I feel like in the upper realms, one must move much more mentally and at a higher speed because you actually do have access to a lot more life force energy.

As I reflect back to my marriage, I didn't have access to much life flow energy, so things moved at a very slowly vibratory rate. Shit, come to think of it the conversations that I was having during those time were reflective of the quality, vibration, speed of that energy.

It's all mental but it coming from the lower mind, which is a lot slower, denser.

In the lower mind, you feel completely checked out; there's almost no spirit involved day to day.

You are literally on autopilot, run by all the programs of those centers.

In the upper realms, you are still run by programs, but these are more sophisticated programs that again give you the illusion of connection. But it's still just another holographic projection.

In the higher realms you have a desire to serve but you don't recognize you aren't truly serving from a heart centered space because most of your energy is going towards sustaining the illusion of your spiritual connection to the divine, to yourself.

Here you desire to know how special you are by using outside reference points, here you need others to reflect that to you, about you so you can sustain it.

It's a feedback loop.

This is where people develop a superiority, guru or savior complex, etc. From an energetic perspective it's just an imbalance of energy.

It's consciousness not experiencing itself directly through the midpoint.

"My kundalini awakening is what elevated me beyond the confines of the lower mind, but it propelled me too high, too fast, without grounding in the center. This is the pendulum swing effect.

I went into the experience of the spiritual mind, which encompasses concepts, ideas, downloads, and channeling.

But again, there was no true embodiment, and of course, I wasn't meant to stay on this side forever either. I was meant to have these contrasting experiences. And without this kundalini experience, I could not have transcended the lower realms.

The deeper you go, the harder it is to awaken, unless there is divine intervention, which is how most people awaken in this plane. It's usually through some form of divine intervention.

And since I purposely chose to go offline midway through my human experience, I definitely needed a divine intervention once my soul had gleaned all that it needed from those realms of experience.

Kundalini was the divine intervention to elevate my consciousness upward, and now, my series of tower moments that I am currently experiencing is another divine intervention.

This one is to guide me back to the energy center of the heart. Back home, back to myself, where I will now be able to fully embody the totality of who I am.

And who I am is pretty epic.

I can sense that it's going to be even more beautifully epic when my consciousness returns home and projects itself through the higher heart center.

In the heart center, I no longer need to seek external stimuli to feel something, to fulfill my needs. I no longer require constant external mirrors; I can now outsource that to the Universe.

I can now consciously co-create a more harmonious and synchronized reality.

This is where fun, play, lightheartedness, and all possibilities reside.

My sense of self here is strong, yet gentle. It's powerful yet modest.

I no longer believe or simply think; instead, I know.

No longer do I need external mirrors or validation to know myself.

From this space, you just BE.

In this realm, you operate within the energy of faith, trust, knowingness; the energy here is harmonious, it's a true symphony.

I needed these tower moments after tower moments to slow down. I ascended too high into the upper realms with no anchors. That alone is an experience in itself. This is where grace comes in.

So, as I make my way back towards my heart portal, I need to give myself some grace and compassion for the journey I am currently on.

Not to blame or guilt myself; as that only hinders my progress.

I am in process. Under construction. En route.

My journey has been intensely transformative, but throughout, I've had so much assistance. It's as if my Higher Self made these agreements that once I completed my experience in each realm, the divine within me would orchestrate the arrival of people, experiences, and situations necessary to propel me out of those realms.

G came into my life to act as a catalyst for me, to bring me back to center. He opened my heart just enough to now start the process of returning home.

But NO ONE can do it for me.

He initiated the process for me, and now I must complete it. He's on the other side of this energetically, which makes sense why currently we can't be in each other's reality.

I also now understand how a lot of the information I was receiving from the upper realms wasn't fully interpreted in the way it was intended.

I was obsessed with needing to LAND here. Because I discovered my trance medium channeling ability, I kept saying once I make it (energetically speaking) to the crown chakra, my higher self will fully land in my vessel. So I kept trying to travel up to connect, when in fact I needed to come down into the heart.

The energy needs to land in the heart so I can project my consciousness from there. That is why I've been purging so much from my heart center for the last 2 years. It's felt like a never-ending process, but it's been in preparation for this journey. Because even through the Kundalini awakening, all the metaphysical experiences and gifts that opened up, still, my heart chakra hasn't been fully opened.

I mean, I've experienced a lot on this journey of disconnection. I've collected a lot of heavy trauma along the way, but in order to return to center, to the heart, I must now be willing to face and feel it all. The whole journey and experience up to now. That means feeling into the not so pretty parts of my journey, those parts of me that showed up less than shiny. The losses I had to take along the way.

I now understand how one can easily become jaded through these experiences, how we build protective mechanisms around the heart to shield ourselves from having to face and feel what can at times feel unbearable, too much. But the time has come for the ice, the barriers of protection, to melt away.

I must now integrate it all so that I can actually align with my highest timeline reality. It's time to set into my headquarters, the command center, and command my reality from the HEART.

WOW thank you G! Truly from the bottom of my heart. You did your thing. I look forward to meeting myself anew, once more. In the loss of our connection, I will gather the gift that is there…