Dear Inner World:
It’s been a long time since I’ve taken the time to sit, write, and think about my life and feel my feelings. I use to write much more often, and I don’t know why I’ve been so hesitant to write, maybe because I don’t want to face my feelings, the truth? In a way, I feel that in the last few years I’ve been moving through life so rapidly without much awareness or control.
I am currently sitting on an airplane, flying out of Italy and heading back to Miami. I spent a week in Italy with my mother, her boyfriend, and my best friend. The trip was enjoyable, it wasn’t what I expected it to be yet that is life. Nevertheless, I enjoyed spending time with my mother and not arguing with her for once and of course spending time with my best friend, who, even though we didn’t speak much about anything on this trip, I feel we are becoming more aligned and connected again. During this vacation, I am coming to the realization of something, and because of it, I’ve recognized that I may not want to admit this to myself and perhaps this is why I’ve been avoiding the pen and paper. I need time alone.
It’s been a long time since I’ve been alone almost so much that I fear it, but I know that what one fears, one must face! Still, doubts fill my heart and mind leaving me cloudy and unsure of much. See about two in half years ago I was in a three in a half year relationship, that for many reasons did not work out. I am a person who is in love with love, and deep down I’ve always wanted to find the “perfect” person that’s just for me, one who I can share this journey with, especially when we live in a world where many of us are skeptics. Few people believe in real fulfilling long lasting love. Yet deep down I have always believed in it; so in a way I’ve been in search of it from an early age.
I met a guy when I was 18 that changed my world in a time when I really wasn’t searching. He was funny, witty, intelligent, charismatic, educated, a great writer and conversationalist. But he was emotionally underdeveloped. We got into a committed relationship after four months and moved in together after two in half years. Before moving in, we had a few on and off again breakups.
He was a great person, (I’m sure he still is) but at the time he was one who just had too much emotional baggage, which I didn’t realize right away. He was extremely intelligent and creative. (Book smart and well versed) Which is one of the main reasons I fell in love with him. We could speak about anything and everything for hours. But during much of our relationship, he ended up spending countless of days and hours sitting in front of a computer playing video games. (And mind you, this is a guy who is seven years my senior)
I quickly found the relationship taking a significant shift from inspirational thoughts, conversations, creation, and activities. All the things that brought us together were becoming obsolete. I soon found myself always fighting for his attention, spending much of my time and energy nurturing him and trying to turn him into the person, the man, I knew deep down was him-that in the process I forgot about myself. Life happened, and certain situations arose that lead to our demise.
As much as I would like to blame it all on him, we both had our faults.
My fault was that I became too consumed by him, making him my world and forgetting about my own needs and dreams so much that I stopped growing or at least that is how it felt. I was no longer the person he had once met because my identity had become him.
Of course, he shared a great deal of fault as well, but I want to focus on myself in this inner journal.
Being with him was a great experience, we had many ups and downs. Yet isn’t this what life’s about? It’s about experiencing, choosing, learning, growing so that we can blossom into the best version of ourselves?
After finally being able to walk away from that relationship, in which I once thought would never be possible to do, turned out to be the best thing I could have done for myself.
It gave me a little bit of myself back.
It put me on a different path, one that would start aligning me with my Higher Self again.
It gave me a career.
It opened new doors and avenues in which to meet new people.
It brought me the experience of taking a chance at 23 years old and moving to an entirely new city. And that allowed me the opportunity to begin making a name for myself (career wise) and to realize that my gifts, talents, and potential cannot be wasted.
But with the same token, the relationship took a big part of me away. It extinguished my spark, the fire within me to conquer the world, my enthusiasm, and in a way my light-hearted spirit. In essence, I know it’s not gone, I have just lost sight of it.
Getting back to the story.
A few months before we broke up I discussed with him that I wanted to quit my HR job to focus on school and pursue my passion for marketing and psychology. Not that I wouldn’t work because I’ve been working since I was fourteen. I just wanted a few months off to focus more on school while trying to find a job within my desired field. After discussing it with him, we both agreed that it was a good choice for me to make. So I did just that, and I quit the job that was also sucking the life out of me. Little did I know that soon after I made that decision we would end our relationship and I would now find myself without a job and no way to keep up with the apartment payments. I found myself currently working two jobs to make ends meet, while having my apartment go into foreclosure, and in the process trying to save what was left of myself.
Six months after our breakup I unexpectedly met someone new and when we met our eyes locked from a far distance.
The place that we were in was pretty dark, so I couldn’t seem him well enough to make him out physically. But I connected with his eyes; you know they say it is the window to our soul. We spoke that whole evening from afar just with our eyes, and I kid you not. Something about his soul called out to mine needless to say before the night ended as I was leaving he stopped me and asked me for my number. Shortly after our meeting, I became very intrigued by him. We would speak on the phone for hours and sooner rather than later we began hanging out every day, so much that we became inseparable. I found myself picking him up overnight around 6:00 am when I’d get off of work, and he’d stay at my place.
We quickly fell for each other, but if I am honest with myself, I can admit some of the reasons I fell for him. He truly is a beautiful soul, one of the most unique, loving, kind hearted-men I’ve ever met. He makes me laugh a lot. He gives me all his love and more. He is genuinely an amazing kind soul with many god given talents. But, I met him in a time in my life, when I was down and out when my whole world was flipped upside down, and I was trying to keep my composure, sanity and working on not losing my positive outlook on life. Everything around what I knew as my life for so long now was gone- broken. All while trying to put the pieces of what was left of my life and self back together. And yet here I had already met someone else who now occupied my time, mind, and heart.
If I am truthful with myself; though writing this is quite painful. I was distracted from the real issues, which is focusing on healing, on finding and re-creating myself anew. Instead of discovering new aspects of myself and giving myself time alone to face my feelings really, I jumped into another relationship. I am not saying by any means that I don’t love him or that he is a rebound because I genuinely believe that he and I have a deep soul connection. We have an undeniable love and connection with one another. But I have to admit we might have moved too fast, after only four months of dating he moved with me from our hometown to another city because I got a job there. Up to now everything has been beautiful, I’ve genuinely been content and happy.
But recently I’ve had some new feelings arise, feelings of uncertainties. He is a wonderful person who I love so much and see the potential of who he can become yet this is where my confusion comes into play ” Who he can become”.?!?
He has many talents, so many gifts that if he tuned into himself; he could develop into who he is meant to be. Yet there lies’ my problem. ( I have this gift you can say where I can see through people and see their true essence, the person who deep down they really are.) Though, I don’t know how wise it is of me to spend my energy on those who I don’t feel are really 100% committed to tapping into their full potential without me having to stop my life to help elevate them.
Is that indeed the best way to use my energy? Doesn’t that again take away from my self-growth, from focusing on my needs and own self-development?
Yet the other side of me says if you really LOVE someone you don’t give up on them! I am so confused?!?
My heart is torn apart.
Part of me feels I need to move on if a person isn’t truly committed to grow, progress and evolve themselves. The other part of me says I am selfish. How can I walk away from a man who loves me so much and is so nurturing to me? Who makes me feel his love is unconditional. Who makes me laugh and who is genuinely a compassionate human being.
I am so lost, torn and conflicted.
Part of me doesn’t want to deal with all these feelings, which is why I guess I’ve stopped journaling because if I write it out then I have to be honest with myself and that means facing my true emotions.
So how do I figure out which part of me is right?
Walking away would mean I would have to live by myself. Not having anyone to come home to, anyone to make me laugh and cuddle with. Buddha (my dog) would be so lost and sad without his dad, the house would feel empty without him and I would feel lonely. That means letting go of someone who I really love and loves me. It means walking this path alone for a while with no one to share things with, who loves’, accepts and understands me.
That would mean breaking my heart and his? Breaking up a home, a family and leaving behind someone that I love for FEAR that they might hold me back?
What if I am wrong is that selfish?
To deal with the reality of not having him any more would be surreal, I don’t know if I want to feel all those emotions…
Though walking away may mean that I get to re-discover myself, to test my strength, to get in touch with my soul that I’ve been out of touch with for a while now. It means a chance to follow my life’s calling, to travel and explore the world on my own, to meet new people that may lead me to new experiences, new opportunities.
I am perplexed at this point…
To have spent these last two years making plans and talking about our future, love, marriage, kids. Yet, can I have the kind of future I desire with someone who is (10) years my senior and who has yet to touch the surface of knowing who he is? Having no direction of where he wants to go in life and who appears not to be taking the necessary action steps to change despite all the love, encouragement and resources I’ve offered and put at his disposal. When I’ve tried to speak to him in the past about these concerns, he always gives me an excuse as to why he CAN’T do something.
I love him with all my heart, I do, but I want an equal partner. I want someone who is excited about LIFE, who has goals, dreams, drive, and who goes after what they want in life without FEAR. I know that I cannot force change on him. That must come to him, in his own time, yet in the meantime that leaves me in limbo.
How can I chase my dreams, when the one I love is afraid to pursue his? If I continue to grow and he doesn’t catch up eventually without wanting to, I’ll leave him behind in a sense…
Follow the Story here with the next blog post: Metamorphosis