DO YOU STRUGGLE WITH REPEATING PATTERNS IN YOUR LIFE– CYCLING THROUGH THE SAME LIFE EXPERIENCES OVER AND OVER AGAIN?
Perhaps you say you want a relationship or marriage, but the problem is that each time you come across someone you like, they are unavailable—already in a relationship or emotionally unavailable to you, and therefore, unwilling to participate in the kind of relationship you are wanting? Maybe you want better for yourself, but you don’t believe that you can.
I’ve struggled with different patterns at certain times in my life.
Growing up I struggled with the fear of abandonment, making it difficult to open my heart to others. I usually found myself recreating patterns of abandonment and/or rejection within my friendships and romantic relationships.
See when we have memories of severe neglect, pain, discontinuance or lack of love, ( which most of us do, from our past in this lifetime or earlier) our subconscious mind (which by the way makes up about 95% of brain activity, meaning that our decisions, actions, emotions, and behaviors come from our subconscious.) will get stuck trying to re-create the original circumstances of those past hurts, in hopes that this time things will “turn out differently.”
In this post, you are going to learn how to recognize the negative patterns in your life and why it is essential for you to do so.
Almost everything and everyone carries a message and lesson for you.
When you can recognize the patterns in your life, you will gain the clarity you need to see the lesson that is waiting to be learned. (It might be learning to say no, learning to honor yourself, a lesson in gratitude or acceptance)
To recognize the patterns in your life
- You must choose to live in a state of awareness rather than living on autopilot.
- You also need to have the courage to admit your mistakes if you are to master the lesson.
After all, I believe there are no mistakes only lessons we haven’t yet mastered.
See many of us tend to repeat the same patterns time and time again, finding ourselves in the same place. The storyline and characters might have changed, but the plot remains the same.
Because too often we are unwilling to admit our mistakes to ourselves and self-examine our life choices. Hence, we never really master the lesson.
It is always easier to give ourselves excuses, to convince ourselves that specific outcomes are just the product of outside forces. It is easier to justify and lie to ourselves through “self-rationalization.” You will usually find yourself blaming your circumstances, past, environment, other people, society and so on -when you are unwilling to examine yourself and seek out the patterns in your life.
Do any of these themes keep showing up in your life?
Addictions, recoveries, and relapses
Destructive, attention seeking behavior
Any unwanted situation that repeats itself
Attracting the same type of people in your life
Keep going through the same things in relationships
Constant “issues” with friends, bosses, family members
Emotional eating, or gaining weight, dieting, then gaining it back
Procrastination, disorganization, inability to complete projects
People continually taking advantage of your or taking you for granted
Do you keep putting your needs on back burner while only focusing on pleasing other
Fear of something (change, abandonment, rejection, success, illness, etc..)
Whenever I’ve reflected upon my mother’s unhappiness with her life and why things usually don’t work out for her, I noticed that her life tends to repeat the same themes. As an example, if you were to look at my mom’s life, she hasn’t had much “luck” in love, you could say. She’s had three failed marriages and a failed “boyfriend” relationship, and since those failed experiences she’s been unable to attract anyone into her life.
Do you see a pattern here? Mmm… Obviously, there is something there that must be examined.
But my mother would never actually look at herself and ask herself where she went wrong? What role did she play in the demise of her marriages?
Instead, it’s easier for her to blame the other person for the failure. If you were to hear her speak about her ex-husbands they were all shit’s and it was all their fault… Even when that is true, it’s still only one side of the truth. And although it feels better to blame the outside world for the fuck-ups in our lives, all we are doing is giving our power away.
When you don’t own up to your part, it puts you in the victim role. And when you’re a victim, you place yourself in the passenger seat of your life. You will never feel in control and even less feel that you can create your own life. Instead, you will always feel justified in complaining endlessly about your misfortune and circumstance, rather than actively changing your situation.
Which is is why it is vital for you to seek out where you go wrong, what role did you play in your storyline?
Again, you can always blame your parents for many of the issues in your life. And in most cases, you would be right to feel the way you do. And validate the things you do or don’t do, because of the pathology that was passed down to you. You could blame it on a very real and traumatic experience you went through and so on.
But as an adult at what point do you break the cycle?
At what point do you take responsibility for yourself and the choices you make or don’t make?
At what point do you hold yourself accountable?
If you never examine or hold yourself accountable for the things in your life, then you can never truly be in control of your life.
Your life will always feel like it’s a by-product of outside forces. And that is when you will start to believe that some people are just luckier than others or you’ll fall into the self-pity trap of your race, economical disposition, someone else’s fault, your past experiences etc… And even when yes, you might not have been born into the perfect family, economical background, you may not have as many opportunities as someone else. Still, you cannot allow those things to define you.
That is the inner work, to decide: Will you allow yourself to be defined by the hand you were dealt or will you use it as a springboard to create who you truly are, who you want to be and the kind of life you wish to experience? The choice is always yours…
How to identify your patterns
The best way to identify your negative patterns is through SELF AWARENESS.
1. Take some time to ask, reflect and answer the following questions:
- How do you cope when someone betrays you?
- Do you constantly sabotage your efforts?
- Do you start off on projects but never complete them?
- Are you quick to shut down ideas or moments of inspiration?
- What do you do when your talents and gifts go unrecognized?
- Do you know or want better for yourself but don’t believe that you can?
- Are you afraid of failure or actually getting what it is that you want?
- Do you find yourself repeating the same “mistakes” your parents did?
- How do you cope when you have repeated health issues? ( You may decide that God doesn’t love you or why does he or the universe keep punishing me)
- How do you cope when you keep attracting the same issues or people into your life? (You may decide that your just unlucky)
All of these questions hold clues as to the state of your subconscious patterning.
2. Make a list of the top five problems you’re noticing in your life, right now. Then for each problem, write on the following sentences:
- With this problem, I notice myself feeling…
- I notice myself saying…
- The situation would be improved by…
As you do this exercise tune into your body notice if there is a particular discomfort as you fill out any one aspect of the exercise. Take a notice of the sensations in your body and be aware in the coming weeks if these sensations show up for you and if so, notice what is happening when they do.
Years back I was struggling with defining my boundaries. I was allowing the men I dated to set the tone and pace for our “relationship” without checking in with myself and how I was feeling. When I became more aware of this pattern, I began to notice how I would get flushed with this weird sensation in my chest; it would get tight and contract itself. Whenever I was with a certain man. Once I started to pay attention, I recognized that my body was talking to me. It was signaling to me that I was uncomfortable and that I was not honoring my true feelings.
3. Keep a journal to tune in to your thoughts on a day to day basis & learn your subconscious mind.
- Observe your thoughts without judgment or labels of “negative or positive”, instead focus on how these thoughts make you feel.
I am a huge fan of this tool. I use it the most. It is what has helped me gain my self-awareness, uncover most of my subconscious patterns and behaviors.
4. Pay attention to the words you choose when thinking or speaking about certain issues.
- Do you find your self-saying, “It’s not fair” “I’m so unlucky” (which points to a sense of powerlessness) or “If X wouldn’t happen, I can’t be happy or feel good ” (which points to non-acceptance)?
Remember that when there is something you need to learn, something that you need to work on, the same situation will continue to repeat itself until you learn the lesson. Each lesson is trying to teach you something that will aid you in your spiritual growth.
“Patterns occur as a result of the internal frameworks we live by. These frameworks refer to the inner beliefs and values we hold.” This is why you need to look inward and uncover the underlying causes and resolve them at the root level. But this cannot be done if you are not willing to self-examine yourself and hold yourself accountable. You need to notice the patterns that keep repeating in your life and own them. Because when you can own your shit, you can change it.
So go on then, own your shit!
Randy Pausch once said “ We cannot change the cards we are dealt, just how we play the hand.”
Which ultimately means that it is through our choices and our efforts, that we can make the most of what we’re given, and even surpass what may be expected of us. Please know that I’m not saying that it’s always easy to look at ourselves and approach life with a positive attitude. But when you choose to look at your experiences as learning opportunities, instead of punishments you become the creator of your life as opposed to a victim of your life. And I know you don’t want to be a victim because you are a CREATOR, in total control of your masterpiece called LIFE.
Did you find this post helpful? Where you able to notice at least one pattern in your life?
Leave your thoughts below!
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