Do you ever notice that you get attached, needy and feelings of insecurities begin to creep in and you wonder where is the powerful, independent, badass I used to be? I can relate, I’ve been there, and a lot of the women I coach struggle with this energy of neediness and co dependency.
When you’re single you feel at your best. You feel confident, powerful, independent, you are so busy doing you, learning, trying new things and really just loving life. But the moment you meet someone and start dating them it’s like you begin to lose yourself and you turn into that needy little girl (that you hate) and you don’t know why it’s happening…
He’s into you, he asked you out, and you said yes. You might be interested in him (you don’t really know) but what you do know is that he was interested in you, which whether you are aware of it or not, that’s what had you consider him as a potential love interest in the first place. He seems nice enough, so you give him a chance to see if there is a real connection.
He pursues you, you go on more dates, he texts you all the time, he say’s all the right things, he’s made it clear he really likes you. Things are moving fast and now that you’ve experienced all his attention you are starting to feel supported, loved and desired. He’s wining you over…
And now start anticipating his calls or texts, looking forward to them more. You can’t wait to make plans for the next date. At this point you might have stopped responding to date requests from other guys.
It’s official you are interested, you like him!
Now you are thinking about him more especially when don’t hear from him as often. You wonder what he’s up to, if he’s thinking about you, if he is with someone else?
He hasn’t made any new plans with you, so you decide to reach out and take the lead. You start to notice that you are reaching out to him more and more. And he is actually pulling away. You notice his messages are less frequent and shorter. He seems busier with less time to hang out and make plans…
now you’re really feeling insecure, needy, confused and upset.
Thinking WTF ( you were the one who pursued me, you put the petal to the metal, you were the one telling me how amazing I am… )
And now you’re ghosting me?
Nothing is wrong with you. But what is going on, is that in many of these cases you haven’t fully grounded your energy, identified your subconscious patterns nor beliefs that your wounded little girl carries with her…
See a lot of the women ( myself included) I work with tend to struggle with some sort of co dependency that stems from abandonment issues ( including abandonment of self.)
So when the little girl in YOU gets a taste of some consistent attention, validation and what feels like love, she’ll begin to crave it more. Even more once you’ve been physically intimate which produces a ton of oxytocin (bonding hormone) . Which naturally makes a women become more attached but even more when we haven’t healed our inner child.
And now she’s in the driver seat with her insecurities and needy energy…
The feminine energy is the receiver ( responds)
The masculine energy is all about action ( pursues)
The feminine energy experiences intimacy with craving more connection and more interaction. However with increasing intimacy the masculine energy experiences and need to pull away, and take space.
Occurs when let our little girl takes control of the driver seat and/or when we shift out of our feminine energy and into the masculine energy of taking too much action ( pursuing him more than he pursues you)
See the feminine energy is all about receiving, connecting and being supported the masculine energy is all about taking action and getting results. So when we shift into our masculine energy out of fear; we change the dynamics of the relationship and the bonding comes to a halt.
Because now he is in the passive receptive feminine energy, when you’re taking all the action.
Also remember that vibes speak louder than words. So even if you don’t feel that you put yourself in the masculine energy by pursuing him when he slowed down. But you were feeling insecure, needy, sitting around thinking about him constantly when he isn’t reaching out. Those unseen energies are felt even on a subconscious level…
So even if you think you’re playing it cool but deep down your feeling out of control, he will sense it, he will feel the needy energy….
Our vibes speak louder than our words…
Notice whose head space you’re in when you start dating a person. Are you in their head space more than your own? Do find yourself thinking about if they like you, or what they think about you more than YOU thinking about how you feel.
Do YOU really like them, what do YOU like about them, what do YOU think of them?
Did you have an AHA moment there?
At first it may seem obvious but I’ll tell you that too often we don’t really stop to see how we really feel about another, if we are even choosing them or are they choosing us? ( aha, there’s another good topic for a blog post)
The slower you go with intimacy, emotional and physical, the more anticipation that builds up, and the more you will both want to see and know each other. Plus slowing it down lets you control the pace, because at the beginning the masculine energy will always be more forceful, action based, they will move really fast at first to produce a result but then it will taper off and you will be left ungrounded.
Don’t get lost in the fantasy of potential, ( this could really be it) or how the relationship can or will be. Even when you meet someone great that could really “be it”, Keep doing what you were doing before you met them, before you fell into like/love with them.
Don’t start changing your life: dating others, habits, activities, routines, priorities. You won’t know if this guy is “the one” until you are fully committed, so don’t go changing your life around to prioritize him.
Keep doing you, remember that they feel in like/love when you were doing you. When you were living your life, feeling confident, being busy etc… Don’t lose yourself in the process of trying to gain a ‘WE’
Talking constantly builds codependency. So if you are aware of that fact, it can help you when you first start dating or begin a new relationship. Become okay with not talking all the time. So you don’t find yourself returning to your phone whenever you bored at work and you feel insecure and need some affirmation that the other person is still interested.
When you first start dating there will be more consistent communication because you’re getting to know each other. But you have to know that will change as some time passes, They won’t maintain the same pace, they did at the begining. The frequency and intensity may shift and that’s okay.
This is huge, when you know what your five non negotiables are in a relationship, it will help you filter through the bullshit quicker.
Too often we don’t know what we want or don’t want and so it becomes easier to project on the other what we want to see in them instead of what is really there.
Remember that when you first meet someone you are meeting their mask, their representative and so you need the necessary skills and tools to see past the person projections and see the real person.
Comment below. Share with me your experience or thoughts on this post….
Understand none of us are on this journey alone. We are here to support each other and rise higher!