Following your heart, Trusting in yourself… What does it all really mean?
I’ve come to a crossroad in my life where recently I’ve been feeling a little lost within, unable to recognize my voice. What was once sharp and clear was oh but a backdrop static noise that blended in with every thought that entered my mind. Unable to clearly identify what is mine & what is not…. It all seemed so muddle together causing me to feel restless and anxious. A feeling of discontent within me and not really sure how to shake this off and ground myself.
I embarked on this personal journey of recreating and rediscovering myself this year, which has been a roller coaster of ups and downs especially when it comes to trusting myself. Sometimes I’m there and other times I’m in doubt. That is until today… when a part of myself emerged unexpectedly a feeling that I haven’t felt in a long time. A spark… that reminded me of WHO I AM.
Last night I came back from spending a day up in the mountains with my best friend Trang who had planned this mini trip as a Holiday gift for us to disconnect. The trip was short and sweet, yet much-needed. It was good to get away for the day and be in a fresh scenery even if it was to do nothing at all. As I was driving back home yesterday; I kept having this urge within me to change things up, to move towards something new & different, an opportunity for growth, reignite my fire, new experiences, adventures, a new beginning to live the life I envision within. I’ve had this urge for a while now. But the feelings attached to it this time felt different from before. It was an upset urge, one that said I’ve had enough with myself & with feeling like this. I have this urge for all these changes yet with it I’ve also experienced an overwhelming uncertainty and lack of clarity that wasn’t allowing me to fully connect with what I desire.
When I finally got home, I sat in front of my laptop. Where I soon found myself researching different Universities out-of-state that I perhaps I could consider applying for. I’m researching & searching for hours and hours when during this time, I began to have certain emotions and feelings come up for me. Why was it that I couldn’t seem to have enough clarity to even make a decision on what I wanted? When it began to dawn on me. I’ve been rationalizing with myself, telling myself a story, finding all the reasons why I couldn’t do it, or why it would be hard for me? Why would I uproot my comfort and security? Why I feel that if I follow my heart it means I’m moving backwards etc… You get the point.
I was coming up with a millions excuses as to why I couldn’t apply to these schools and calling them reasons as to why I can’t do what I want! Yet trying to rationalize with myself didn’t feel good… it felt off to me; far off from WHO I know myself to be. Realizing those feelings at the moment made me upset with myself. How did I get myself to start thinking this way in first place? I soon started to see that all that rationalizing was only causing me to stand in my way. It’s been the lack of TRUST within myself causing all my confusion because I’ve been going against my natural state, fighting against the current rather than flowing with it. Seeking for confirmations everywhere & nowhere expect the one place I should check in with first, which is MYSELF.
I told myself this isn’t who I am, I’m not a person who thinks of why I can’t do something. I have always gotten what I intend, but not always what I expect. Where there is certainty, a “WAY” is created. I’ve gotten myself so cluttered within that I couldn’t see clear enough to just make a decision on something. I’ve been so focused on the “how” & “when” of everything that I am not allowing myself to be organic. To follow my heart and desires by making a decision, putting a plan together and thinking creatively, being resourceful and ensuring that I am giving and finding the most empowering meanings I can reach for in each situation. The rest, takes care of itself.
With that, I decided that I need to move forward with a plan without ruminating or pondering or stopping to ask around and see whether or not I can do it. I just have to be clear about what I want and decide to make is so; forgetting about the “how, who & when” and just move towards what I want with conviction. The rest will soon reveal itself but only when I’ve gotten out of my way. That clarity came through me last night.
And today I feel more like myself, my true self. The confident, empowered, inner-knowing Stephanie that TRUSTS what she knows and feels. I received a clearer image this afternoon that brought me additional clarity to connect the dots within the synchronicities that have been showing up for me in the last two weeks. Needless to say, I felt a breakthrough today whatever barriers I had put between myself and my heart has cleared. I noticed it more when I spoke to Susse today. She called me to share an inner struggle she was facing and was seeking my opinion & advice. We’re talking & talking…. When I started to sense that some of the things I was expressing to her; the advice I was sharing with her, was actually meant for me. It’s as the saying goes the one teaching is actually the one who is in the process of learning the very lesson they are imparting. In that moment I saw the big picture. Everything I’ve been experiencing has led me to this very moment, the moment where I reclaim my power back! Which has been the purpose of embarking on the journey to find myself again, so that I may re-create who I am to match my grandest vision I’ve ever held about myself…There is only ONE way to be and that is to follow your heart. To not be afraid of what you are feeling right now, instead love what you fear in order to free yourself from it. Know yourself with that you’ll learn to trust in yourself which will help you fall in love with you and help you navigate through life with much more ease, confidence and freedom! It’s all about YOU!
A toast to me & YOU! - To living in love, gratitude & contribution… May we find our way back to ourselves!
I look forward to 2012! For all the growth, connections, energy shifts, LOVE, inspirations & adventures it will offer!
Here I come….